Monday, December 30, 2002




Ushering in 2003 by taking a look back at the best stuff:

1. having that cute guy finally notice

2. being taken to my first NHL game

3. assuming news director

4. earning a raise and a liveable wage

5. deciding to escape overseas

6. road trips to: Banff; Victoria & Vancouver, via Christina Lake, Haynes Point in Osoyoos and Sicamous

7. but not Grande Prairie

8. camping in snow, camping in wind, camping in rain

9. being regularly told I'm beautiful

10. getting my first computer
5:15:00 PM

Sunday, December 29, 2002

The weekend? Consisted of:

Driving away.
Going to party in which boy attending considered "insane, seriously. " Girls wearing vintage dresses or pants with cute belts playing dominant role. Good haircuts all. Meatless finger foods vital.
Little sleeping.
Possibly driving while drunk in early morning to keep car-maintenance appointment like responsible girl, not like lush as appearance would suggest.
Grazing.
Big Box CD, DVD inventory coveting.
Whirl at in-store video game playing. Boy behind, at fraction of age, disgusted by difficulty getting Spidey to open door.
Best holiday tradition ever: eating hot turkey sandwiches, gravy, homemade french fries.
Viva Maria
Fearless Vampire Killers
Driving back

11:14:00 PM

and he was made to play rugby

Congrats Ev & Jonny on your first joint production: all 9 lb 10 oz of him!

All the best.


10:46:00 PM

Friday, December 27, 2002

I got back last night from four days' holidays, and I was just ready to hit the road again, out of the city to take in some more merriment, when I realized something: I can fully endorse the one-day workweek.
6:09:00 PM

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Give me some time to work my way back into this world.

It's pretty hard to top yams, clandestine at-the-relatives'-sex, brisk walks in the mountains, board games and Goldmember.
9:00:00 PM

Thursday, December 19, 2002

An Open Letter to All Humans

Look: When I run into you next time, I'll try my best, but I may have to go on and on about Lord of the Rings: Two Towers. But I won't be a total prick about it.

I'm sure we'll talk about some of the scenes, and you'll tell me how you thought that "bad grey-bearded dude" was cool, looking out at his "army of Orcs." Of course, I'll be wincing inside and mentally saying, but not out-loud, "You mean SARUMAN and his army of Uruk-hai."
They're not just Orcs, they're part man, too.

I will be merciless when you ask me what I thought of Gollum. Yes, he is impressive, but so is my washing machine. I prefer actors to images. And, yeah, I know that remark could result in exile from some social circles.

But I will tell you how amazing it was to see a movie so reliant on CGI doing Lucas better than Lucas. And if it comes to fisticuffs for that remark, so be it. Lucas is a hack.

I'm disappointed in myself for being a lover of Aragorn. Aragorn is such the typical macho hero: the steely gaze, the confidence and leadership when times call for it, the long hair. The "it" factor, but for normals. He's like Jake Gyllenhaal for grown up women. He's like Hercules in brown burlap, cinched at the waist. So, I'll appreciate a conversation over the merits of Aragorn versus Legolas. And I'll sort of chuckle to myself when we're on the phone and you just call him "that elf guy" when really you should know to call him Legolas. And make no mistake, I don't suffer fools gladly.

And when we're shooting the shit and going over our favorite scenes in the movie, I'll say, "I loved it when Treebeard mobilized his brothers, and suddenly all the Treepeople were moving towards Gondor." And I'll call them Treepeople instead of by their real names, Ents, because I don't want to talk over your head or anything. That'd totally be shitty.

11:34:00 PM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Hey, that animated face has got street cred

It's a cruel joke indeed that my head is providing me with a constant soundtrack in the form of the "where's-your-head-at-at-where's-your-head-at..." Pringles theme song.

I am going to get that mustachioed dude and expose him for the Super Mario brother he is.


10:20:00 PM

I know, I know, enough with the Lord of the Rings, back to the drinking!
But that would be foolhardy, as I get behind the wheel and we trek South to catch the Two Towers tomorrow night.

I'd just like to take this time once again, honeybunch, to stress the scale of my sacrifice with this little road trip to geekdom. I will, as you may have heard, be missing the TWO-HOUR SEASON FINALE of the Amazing Race.

Don't expect this sort of thing to happen again anytime soon, sweetie.

Meantime, elsewhere:
[Mom wipes tear from eye. Thinks my little selfish girl is all grown up.]
[Sceptical, sardonic friend thinks FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT IS ONLY A TV SHOW.]
[Other Amazing Race fan commiserates. Firm in knowledge that it is, in fact, MORE THAN A SHOW.]
5:44:00 PM

Sunday, December 15, 2002

The Countdown has begun. The Train to Mordor leaves at 5:30 PM Wednesday

I can name all the characters of the Fellowship, I can say Moorrrrrdorrrr with the whole tongue-rolling voice of doom going, I'm assured Gandalf will come back from the shadows, and I'm bracing against having to see more of Sam, even though I'd rather be mauled by some virgin, corn-fed, soft-headed Southerner.

Points of Interest from New Movie:

1. That flaming vagina you remember from the first movie is apparently called the Eye of Sauron, and only now looks decidedly more like an eye.
2. Gandalf is not dead.
3. Liv Tyler has, if you can believe it, seemingly broader shoulders than before.
4. The stupid American Public is protesting the name of a book that came faaaarrrr before any solipsistic domestic disaster.

To really hype the movie, the attempt was made to teach me the Lord of the Rings card game. I got lost when I had to exert (place red stone upon card) and my man lost a skirmish, after the assignment phase, right after I had to pass because I didn't have any Minions. There wasn't enough in the Twilight Pool for me to make a move.
You know how that goes.

11:15:00 PM


The Twin Towers, er, Two Towers

I know I'll never quite reach supreme geekdom when I keep referring to the Nazgul, or Ring Wraiths, as Siths.
9:21:00 PM

Driving Serendipity:

When you get in your car and you catch Bohemian Rhapsody on the radio, before it gets to the rockin' instrumental part.
9:18:00 PM

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Come on already...

I keep hearing about the Norwalk virus, how shipfuls of boomers in elasticized pants and bedazzled denim hats and their fat children are coming down with this shit, and how closer to home, workers across the city are dropping like flies, and how even my immediate family members are out of commission for a day with diarrhea, vomiting and cramps.

And I'm thinking, bring it on, suckah. If it's over and done with in 24 hours I can deal.

But for the past week, I'm feeling just slightly throw-upy, and I've had some other outward, albeit mild, symptoms.

And I'm thinking my flu is such a cocktease.


9:44:00 AM

Friday, December 13, 2002

Pasta with a Side of Lindt Chocolate Balls (a new take on a spaghetti classic!)

Nothing more satisfying than a healthy meal after working out. I went to the gym again tonight, for the fourth time this week. I used to go all the time and then I decided eating cheeseburgers and atrophying was more where it's at. But the winds have changed, and my pants don't fit. So I've started dragging my ass back.

So I'm on this device and sweating up a storm, when I spot this chick down the row, sprinting about 10 MPH on her treadmill. I'm thinking, well, she can't be exercising in her ideal range for optimal fat-burning. She is just wasting all that energy with her heart likely beating at too high a rate with all that streamlined, professional running nonsense. I'm thinking now me, I'm really working at this. I'm doing something; she's having an easy time of it.

And then I'm appreciating my sense of style, with my little choppy haircut, my serious curves and holy man what a rack! and my indie-rock t-shirt I found in school years ago that says "Kelsey Bay Division" on the back in that really, tongue-in-cheek, super-in-joke, post-ironic way. And I'm looking at her and thinking well, anyone can wear a little black t-back sports bra and look really fit. And I'm also snorting that anyone can get that shade of blonde. It takes someone with a sense of irony to look the way I do, I mean the tumbleweedgal has character, and she's.....well, just some boring, super in-shape, perfect hairstyled, slim blonde, tight-abbed girl running a freaking 500 metre dash there.

That's when I realize she's not just competition in the "all girls who look better than me better watch out or I'll cut them" kinda way.
I mean, she's the competition.

That's okay, I'm an adult.

Which, I understand, is about all that's needed to buy a gun in your country, America?

6:56:00 PM

Thursday, December 12, 2002

I'll have to start carrying around a little notepad with me in my back pocket. I mean, the number of times I have to pee during the day is impressive and warrants documentation.

***
I woke up in the middle of the night to engage in some online banking.

I figured it was better than kicking the sheets dealing with this stuff:
I don't have enough money for Christmas, I don't have enough cash for travelling, I can't afford to come home from Asia with no coin in my pockets, I can't imaging moving again, I don't want to work at Mac's, I don't want to go back to school again, where am I going to get married, why do I have to get pregnant in the next five years, how am I going to get a free ride on the one-year maternity leave plan when I don't have a decent job...

I have to stop drinking tea at night. Being on the rag can't be blamed for all my insomniac mid-life angst.
5:51:00 PM

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Things I've Lost While Drunk

1. Inhibitions
2. Club Monaco Pants

Let's be clear here. I regret that.
Those were great pants.
3. Watch
Someone should be in charge of advising the party people to remove all jewellery before hitting the trampoline.
4. Grad Date.
It had to be done. There was a hotel full of 17 year olds. He wanted to wind it down by "grabbing a bite to eat. Just the two of us."
12:26:00 AM

Monday, December 09, 2002

The Spirits of Christmas

I plugged in the record player, dusted off the Jim Reeves' Twelve Songs of Christmas (yes, of course that includes the staple Senor Santa Claus!), decorated the "tree", and poured myself a tea into a cup emblazoned with snowmen.

My mother would be so proud.

I almost feel bad about poking through the gifts she gave me, looking for a bottle-shaped one. The one closest to resembling Kaluha turned out to be a candle.

I mean, I think it must be a candle. Yeah.

Love candles.

10:52:00 PM

Saturday, December 07, 2002

When you're wondering what your significant other plans to wear at your office Christmas party, because it's a dress-up affair, and he is decidedly more of a laid-back kinda guy, who probably doesn't own a pair of dress pants, even if you were to look into the far depths of his closet, and then he shows up on your door in a brand new suit, and he looks really hot, well, that is love.
11:28:00 AM

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Some good stuff:

1. Plucking handful of jujubes and getting all red ones.
2. Eliminating team on the Amazing Race not contributing necessary drama to equation.
3. This article, courtesy Ryan C.

The Bad:

1. Wanting to rent Pumpkin, being too lazy.
2. Having two apartments in building broken into; having no security door to said building; feeling like sitting duck.
3. Wondering if should transfer some valuables to car trunk, thereby splitting odds of theives making away with all worldly possessions in one shot.

9:57:00 PM

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

My savings account may be entirely unaware,
but I'm hopping off to another continent this spring. And with this trip looming, I'm just starting to investigate some of the ins-and-outs of travel planning.

Being the girl I am, I flipped right to the "Health" section of my copy of Lonely Planet: North India. Some of the things I've learned:

I won't be drinking the water. I'm not sure what alternative that leaves me, considering I'll be constantly thirsty, as we've chosen to visit that part of the world at a time the seasoned traveller calls "unbearable." Water filters are inconvenient and inexpensive. Plus--Lonely Planet seems to take this whole ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY approach to travel (madness), so I'm discouraged from buying plastic water bottles. It would seem all pressures conspire, leaving me no choice but to drink plenty o'booze. I can always trust those sealed-cap bottles of wonder. Of course, even worse than the water, is the ice. Beware the insidious ice. I guess I'll just take my bourbon neat.

There's a thorough list of shots I should consider before taking off, but I have some reservations:
1. Tuberculosis. Pout. The whole idea of consumption is so literary and glamourous. Then I'd miss out on the whole sea-side, fresh air recuperation.
2. Rabies. What are you kidding me? Do racoons speak Hindi? That sounds magical.
3. Japanese B Encephalitis. Now, the Japanese make a damn-fine mandarin. Plus it sounds so exotic. The Tinseltown set gets their Hep-C awareness tours, I could start a whole other brand of really "it" syndrome campaigns.

Other diseases that pose a threat:

Cholera.
Malaria.
Pregnancy. Perhaps the most dangerous of all.

and a whole host of others I'm sure I can take in stride: Lyme Disease (whatever!), Jet Lag (glam!), Filariasis (anti-dandruff shampoo?),Bites and Stings (rawr!).


11:45:00 PM

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

The Romance of the Ages

Him: "We should do something new, you know. Take a class."

Me: "Mmm hmm."

Him: "We should maybe learn a new language."

Me: [paying attention now] "Yeah. Like Javascript?"

Him: "I meant, like, French."

5:17:00 PM

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Hey, where've you been?

Betchya thought I incurred some punk-rock-kid cruelty at the show Thursday night and was still recuperating from a bad fall in the pit or an infected nose-piercing? No; doesn't happen to the over-30 set? The show was good. I could tell because I walked away from the din in the silence of the night and my ears had that distinctive buzzing going on.
Ear-ringing equals a good night. Well, that and permanent hearing loss.
***

Hey, I suggest to you you're a girl, around ten. You like jump rope and playing girls chase the boys and all that other stuff.
I'm suggesting I'm a girl, well hey, I am, but I'll go so far as to suggest I'm ten too, and I'm friends with you.
We're hanging out in the playground, and jump on the see-saw. I hate the see-saw. Let's just say, whenever we hit the see-saw, and we sit on there, but swing our legs over the handlebars, so we don't push off anymore, but let ourselves just hang in the balance, I will inevitably be the ten-year old girl who will hit the ground first.
I'm feeling more than ever like that girl on the ground.

5:33:00 PM

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